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Published On: Feb 12, 2004 10:06 AM
Total entries in this category:
Published On: Feb 12, 2004 10:06 AM
The Obvious Triangles
Some triangles are so obvious that we
don't even think of them as triangles.
It's important to remember that triangles are the
basis for human society — they aren't always bad. Many triangles are just
perfectly normal human relationships. The key, in my opinion, has to do with
where responsibility lies for dyads within the triangle.
In a hypothetical family, there are two parents and two children, a total of four people, so a potential for four triangles: Mom, Dad & Sissy; Mom, Dad & Junior; Sissy, Junior & Mom; Sissy, Junior & Dad. Mom and Dad discussing Junior's extracurricular activities or Sissy's after-school job is a perfectly good triangle. But if Mom says to Dad, "Junior's driving me crazy, and I need you to talk to him. Don't tell him I said anything to you, but see if you can get him to stop spending so much time with those ruffians from the school paper," then some flags go up. First of all, the question is raised as to whether Mom is taking responsibility for her relationship with Junior: why does she need Dad to intervene? It's partly because an additional triangle (Mom, Junior & the gang at the school paper) has been introduced, and Mom feels overwhelmed. If Dad follows Mom's strategy, and unhealthy triangle is formed in which Mom can't deal with Junior directly.
Now, apply the same idea to your organization. Are there people who can't deal directly with other people, but instead resort to triangling as a strategy? Remembering that most triangles are healthy and normal, it's important not to demonize every conversation anyone may have about a third person. The real clue is whether someone has given away their own responsibility in a relationship to a third person.
The best place to begin analysis, of course, is in your own relationships, whether at work or at home. If by involving a third person you hope to learn to deal appropriately with the second person, you're probably fine; if you think that bringing in a third person will make the problem go away, that's a problem. And if you suspect that you yourself are being strategically triangled, you can attempt to correct the situation by reestablishing contact with the person who tried to shift responsibility.
In a hypothetical family, there are two parents and two children, a total of four people, so a potential for four triangles: Mom, Dad & Sissy; Mom, Dad & Junior; Sissy, Junior & Mom; Sissy, Junior & Dad. Mom and Dad discussing Junior's extracurricular activities or Sissy's after-school job is a perfectly good triangle. But if Mom says to Dad, "Junior's driving me crazy, and I need you to talk to him. Don't tell him I said anything to you, but see if you can get him to stop spending so much time with those ruffians from the school paper," then some flags go up. First of all, the question is raised as to whether Mom is taking responsibility for her relationship with Junior: why does she need Dad to intervene? It's partly because an additional triangle (Mom, Junior & the gang at the school paper) has been introduced, and Mom feels overwhelmed. If Dad follows Mom's strategy, and unhealthy triangle is formed in which Mom can't deal with Junior directly.
Now, apply the same idea to your organization. Are there people who can't deal directly with other people, but instead resort to triangling as a strategy? Remembering that most triangles are healthy and normal, it's important not to demonize every conversation anyone may have about a third person. The real clue is whether someone has given away their own responsibility in a relationship to a third person.
The best place to begin analysis, of course, is in your own relationships, whether at work or at home. If by involving a third person you hope to learn to deal appropriately with the second person, you're probably fine; if you think that bringing in a third person will make the problem go away, that's a problem. And if you suspect that you yourself are being strategically triangled, you can attempt to correct the situation by reestablishing contact with the person who tried to shift responsibility.
Posted: Fri - February 6, 2004 at 06:52 AM